Dancing Days: Encountering Lilith

The following was written about a year ago after waking up from a dream which depicted the feminine personality i had turned my back on for so long. When I awoke I immediately began typing this on my iphone. It must have taken like three hours. What was written was not from my conscious mind; it came from somewhere deeper within my mind. This was my repressed feminine side, as she was essentially lecturing me on how I had been neglecting her, what brought the rift between us, and how and why she turned toward Lilith. As she spoke, it was if I was taking down dictation as another person spoke. It was truly eerie, yet very profound.

So the following narration was not my conscious mind; it was my u*********s, repressed feminine mind trying desperately to communicate with me. I wrote as she talked. The events she speaks of are of a fantasy which I had been engaged in; one in which I had imagined myself as more of a masculine figure which fit into the military persona I wore. I really did feel like a man in many ways, at this time, so when this personality speaks, she is speaking of the rift between the male and female parts of my psyche.

As she spoke, she seemed to be in great pain. She was neglected and her message was that she was dying by being neglected. She explained to me (in metaphor and fantasy imagery) how Lilith was corrupting her right in front of me, but I was too stubborn to notice. I was too focused on work and my career to tend to her needs. Worse, I was condemning her for what I viewed as weakness. This odd internal conversation was the first of its kind held between my male and female personalities, and it marked the first break in the damn holding my u*********s mind back. Eventually that dam burst completely on NYE after the suicide attempt.

So what follows may sound very strange, as it is part fantasy, part u*********s material coming to the surface, and it is all told in metaphor as with a dream.

With that said, this is how i truly became aware of the presence of Lilith and the corruption she sought to impose on the woman I truly am.


***********

For some reason A Perfect Circle's "Weak and Powerless" comes to mind when I reread this. I think this entire story, or fantasy, or whatever, can be "heard" in this song, and within all of their tracks on "Mer de Noms" and "Thirteenth Step." The entire vision had been hovering in my mind, yet was triggered and most powerfully felt as I listened to their music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ve3c0a2k7qY

"Little angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
He promised I would find a little solace
And some piece of mind
Whatever just as long as I don't feel so...

Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless
Desperate and Ravenous
I'm so weak and powerless
over you"

***********

Dancing Days: We were dancing in the rain, out in the open, together, for all the neighbors to see, but we didn't care how strange it looked. In fact we reveled in it. It was a dark cloudy day, yet we had never entered into such light.

But then you kept spending more time away for your project. You had to "train your troops." You had set up the program covertly in Los Angeles specifically to be closer to me, though you spent more and more time in the field. Your attempts to integrate me into that lifestyle had failed. It was exactly because of all the reasons that you loved me that I could not be a soldier: I was tough and resilient in my own way, yes, but I wasn't fierce. I was carefree, not subject to the unwavering discipline you demanded. The beauty in me, that "undefinable" quality that you cherished so much, was not rugged nor vulgar nor "masculine," whatever that means. You loved my femininity yet were trying to force it, through a heavy-handed approach, to become masculine. In the process you were blinded to what you were doing to me, that you were destroying me, killing me. So it was then one day when you were out in the field that I caught Lilith's eye.

In your neglect, Lilith approached me offering everything you could or would not. She said she understood what I was going through. She had been there before. She knew it the minute she saw my face. "Your lover has changed, hasn't she? She's offered you the wonderful opportunity to save the world, but she's dissatisfied with your ability to do so. She spends more time with her troops than with you and you just don't seem to measure up.". Yes! That was exactly it! She knew and I was so happy that she knew! Finally, in this person, stranger though she may have been, finally another person, a beautiful and kind person, just like you, understood me.

So even as you spent longer periods away she and I grew closer. I had isolated myself, remember. Most of my friends had either left the state or started families around the time I graduated, and my beliefs in the mystical had branded me a bit of an out cast amongst the few I had left. I had friends, but no one too close. I was "eccentric". Then again, that was another quality that you found so endearing; it just wasn't conducive for your plans to save the world. So when I saw Lilith for the first time, baring witness to that sophisticated and confident, though genuine, smile directed at me from across the cafe, my heart leapt and my knees buckled even though I was sitting down. This woman understood me, I could see it in her eyes, those shrewd and calculating eyes. I was awestruck by her, and my heart skipped a beat when I realized she was approaching me. "Why would she even want to talk to me"? After all, you hadn't wanted to have a decent conversation with me in months.

Lilith politely asked if she could take a seat and I silently obliged. The amount of grace and speed with which she moved astounded me. It was like watching a ghost. She was there but at the same time was not. She said I looked familiar. I knew that was a lie but I played along anyway. It had been awhile since I was just carefree and adventurous, so I played along. "Bookstore cafes are for the hopelessly boring or the newly alone," she said. "I'm the latter. Yourself?" "Um, both, now, I guess.". I replied. She said I had "that look," that she knew it a mile away because she had worn it herself. But no longer. She told me she had stopped trying to contain and change her personality, to chain her spirit, to keep someone else happy. That was death worse than death. She decided she'd rather be dead than annihilated like that. She, like you, was on a crusade to save that which was innocent, to save the world, but she was to do it only one soul at a time. It was then that she offered me her hand. It was then that I fell in love all over again.

In those rare occasions that you were home, I never told you about her. She told me it wiser not to. The time she and I shared together was something you would never understand. What's more, it would probably make you jealous. I didn't really understand this. To me I was just experiencing another side of life through Lilith. She was the friend you ceased to be, the lover you could never be. She showed me freedom. I danced with Lilith in the rain, out in the open, for all the neighbors to see. But you never saw. You were always away. And in doing so, you never really did see me. As I grew, we grew apart. A rift grew that we soon could not bridge. And that's when Lilith started to hurt me in any way that she could.

She began by distancing herself like you did. She began to spend more and more time away, doing what I didn't know. Shortly after meeting her, we were always together when you were away, but now I was alone again for long swaths at a time. Whereas when you would come back, you were tired, yet full of confidence, a job well done, with Lilith it was a different story. She would return to me exhausted, hungover, and sometimes quite loaded. I knew where you had been when you returned, but with her it was a complete mystery. Though I still respected her and was even enthralled by her, I pitied her. She lead a life of freedom and abandonment and that made her strong beyond imagination somehow, but she suffered as those same wild forces ravaged her. Something about this resonated with me. Maybe because I was an artist, subject to those same impulses of alogical truths? Unlike you, she was worn out from being true, not from keeping up her defenses.

Lilith would come home (and it is safe to say that her home was my own during these times) after three or four days of not calling and her mind would be completely gone. She would never tell me where she went or what she did, and for a long time I didn't ask. I just allowed her to sink into my arms off to sleep or into a good cry, but I never asked where she had been or what had happened to her. But, finally, on one such return I was forced to ask. She and I were making love like we were wont to do whenever she returned like this (like you and I used to) when I noticed the bruises. They were everywhere about her body along with scars. I couldn't believe it, especially could I not believe that they went unnoticed. At first she tried to divert my attention, flashing that beguiling smile of hers while caressing me even more fervently. When I wouldn't let the subject alone, she sat up, brushed her hair aside, lost the faux smile, and in a deeper, pointed voice than usual simply asked "Whaddaya wanna know?" In the shadow of that darkened room she suddenly seemed so cold. Her business was her own, her powerful stance straddled atop of me suggested this. but if I wanted to know, if I just had to know, she'd allow me into her secret world.

"Well for one, where did you get all these wounds; why are you so beat up? And where do you always go for days? Do you have a choice? Is somebody forcing you to do it?!". The last one I added angrily as if I meant to do something about it, even though I knew quite well that if there was a force that compelled Lilith to do something, I, in my inferiority to her, could not stop it. Her reply astonished me. With deadened eyes she simply said "Yes and no."She was compelled to leave, yes, asked really, and she always happily did. Nobody made her leave, nobody forced her to be objectified and used the way that she had been, nobody made her lose her trademark grace, her remarkable composure, feminine charm; all of this she shed off by her own volition. And it was due to being by her own will that she never, ever, lost her dignity. In fact, she said, in becoming the idol of others' love, affection, anger, or hate, it was through this that she gained immortality. Whenever she was away, she was basking in the glory of her own rebirth, murdering herself nightly only to rise again the next morning. When she was away, she was a goddess. Now she asked me if I wanted to become a goddess too.

Enamored with her power and filled with lust and curiosity, I said "yes." I wanted to feel like a goddess for a change too. "Are you sure?" she said in a hungry voice that was practically salivating at my reply, her gleaming eyes and half-smile fully betraying the b**st she contained within. Taken aback but still eager I again replied with a simple "yes."

Lilith didn't hesitate to fling me to the side and pin me to the bed with a physical strength I didn't know she possessed. I was sort of "shell shocked," for the lack of a better term, and it felt like my head was spinning. I became very distant. But I do remember some details even if I wasn't fully "there.".

She immediately began licking and kissing my face and neck. She didn't seem so much like she was feeling or tasting me as much as she was smelling me. I can't really explain it adequately accept to say that Lilith seemed to be taking me into herself, trying to devour my every essence. Throughout the entire night she did this, capturing inside of her my every movement, my every wince, my every sound, my every scream, my every surrender, my every retreat. Not once did I ever engage her, not once did I try to love her back. That night I was on defense as she encroached upon, destroyed, and penetrated my boundaries. In her wrath (and that is a better word for it than "love-making") I felt a sense of freedom that I never had before. She obliterated (annihilated) me, and I loved it. I loved her for it. And when that first night was over, when i survived, like an addict I begged her for more.

I took a perverse satisfaction from hiding this from you. When you would come home I knew you could smell her on me, so to speak. You knew there was something different about me, but you were afraid to ask. Your fear provided me a sense of empowerment. Your little looks of inquiry at the dinner table or even while we fucked began to satisfy me greatly. Did you really think I was cumming for you, dear? Because of you? I loved you, with all my heart, but you had abandoned me years before. Did you really think I ran and jumped in your arms to greet you? I didn't. As you relished the sight and feel of me when you returned, secretly I relished your upcoming pain. I was avenging your neglect by hollowing myself out for you with Lilith's all too eager aid. Lilith was my my revenge, my corruption, my death.

Even so, Lilith was your own death, your own rot, your own decay.

Every time you went back into the field Lilith escalated what amounted to my (our) punishment. Sometimes she was gone for days only to arrive back for a quick, but always hard, fuck before you returned. Other times she was waiting for me just around the corner as you left, our dark tryst all planned out. Whatever the case, I never knew what to expect, how naughty or tense or downright violent things would become, or whether I would even ever emerge from the depravity she always brought with her. To be with Lilith was to flirt with death, or at least to risk becoming an irredeemably sinful little whore. And it was that potential that excited me.

When Lilith first pinned me down I knew I wouldn't be able to get back up. She was much stronger than I and that look she wore didn't seem likely to give way to reason, or my pleas for that matter. So I let her have me even as I, myself, let go. She pressed my arms back into the bed and dug her nails in, drawing blood. As I winced she laughed. She brought her face up to where I bled, taking in its crimson odor deep into her lungs, and from there began to suck. Either for reason to gain more access or to inflict more pain, or both or neither, she began to gnaw into my wound with her considerably sharp incisors. It was strangely gentle and slow for something so raw. She was very deliberate in her penetration, very calculating, just as I had glanced when we first met. She wanted to feel what I felt even as she caused it. As her tooth made its way deeper into my flesh, as Lilith tore me open allowing blood to spill out and onto the sheets, as my wound grew bit by bit (yet even now only steadily growing on my arm), I was filled with incredible anticipation. It was then that I cummed for all the wrong reasons yet came like never before. My blood, forced out, as it was, by her every bite, stirred up the same desire to "flow" in my vag... no... my cunt, (for that's what she was now that I had agreed to whore her out) and I became wet without even so much as a touch. Pulling out of me with a look of obviously mocked surprise, Lilith came close to my face, looked deep into my eyes making sure that I was present at that moment and simply said "Now we can't have that." Just then she went down on me, quickly now, not slow or tenderly as she had done in the past, as if to plug me up, or to stop the "wound," in a manner of speaking. She sealed her lips to my, now, gushing opening, sucking so hard that I thought my clit would tear off. She literally sucked me dry. Rising up, she then worked her fingers into my pussy, forcing them, really, and just left them there. Near my face again so we could have eye contact, she said coldly "I can't have you bleeding in two places at once. You haven't the attention span for it. Now stay with me.". She said this even as she commenced with opening the wound upon my arm. We did this for the rest of the night. Whenever I came or threatened to, Lilith bit harder or gnawed faster. Needless to say, I had wounds all over me after that night, and I wasn't even sure if I liked them or not.

So I think it's fair to say that, even as you were marching into your world of v******e and discipline, I was slouching into my own. And that much I did like. We were together, you and I, in this aspect, and that much I really did like. I loved you, and through my time with Lilith I found you.

Lilith sways and dances to the beating drums of innocence devouring innocence.