Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant attachment style refers to a psychological and emotional pattern characterized by an individual’s tendency to avoid emotional closeness and dismiss the importance of intimate relationships, often as a self-protective measure.
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often have difficulty forming and maintaining deep emotional connections with others, although deep down their hearts they may actually have an intense craving for such connections. They may feel uncomfortable with deep, emotional intimacy, fear dependence on others, and have a strong desire for independence and self-reliance.
This attachment style usually develops as a result of emotional rejection and neglect from primary caregivers and family members in childhood. They were often filled with the sense of loneliness. The trauma of deception and abandonment they suffered later in life made them even much more avoidant.
For these individuals, avoidance and withdraw becomes their strategy to protect themselves from experiencing more pain and abandonment.
I may have avoidant attachment… now what?
If you recognize the dismissive/avoidant attachment style in yourself or you realize you are dating someone with avoidant attachment style, what can you do?
The key is to admit and realize that the ‘switch’ on emotional intimacy has to be turned on. This might be challenging and require a lot of effort.
What do I feel? The avoidant adult needs to start paying attention to the emotional and physical sensations that come up around (emotional) intimacy. Self-reflection might help one make sense of and analyze existing patterns.
What do I need? Another essential step is exploring, understanding, and eventually expressing emotional needs.
What should I do? At some point, the avoidant adult might be able to start working on building closer relationships with people. They could follow a step-by-step approach to letting others in and responding to the emotional needs of close ones.
How can avoidant adults change their attachment style?
Therapy: Seek out a therapist who specializes in attachment theory or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Therapy can help you explore the origins of your avoidant attachment style, understand how it affects your relationships, and develop healthier patterns of relating to others.
Mindfulness and self-awareness: Practice mindfulness techniques to become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships. This can help you recognize when you're acting out avoidant patterns and choose healthier responses.
Develop secure relationships: Cultivate relationships with people who have secure attachment styles. Spending time with securely attached individuals can provide you with positive relationship experiences and serve as role models for healthy attachment behaviors.
Challenge negative beliefs: Work on challenging and reframing negative beliefs you may hold about relationships, intimacy, and vulnerability. Replace these beliefs with more positive and realistic ones that support secure attachment.
Communication skills: Focus on improving your communication skills, including expressing your needs and emotions openly and honestly with others. Practice active listening and empathy to better connect with your partner or others important to you.
Set boundaries: Learn to set healthy boundaries in your relationships to protect your own needs and well-being while still allowing for intimacy and connection with others.
Take small steps: Changing attachment styles is a gradual process, so be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way. Set achievable goals and take small steps towards building more secure attachments.
Self-compassion: Be kind and compassionate towards yourself as you work on changing your attachment style. Recognize that it's okay to have vulnerabilities and that growth and change take time.
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often have difficulty forming and maintaining deep emotional connections with others, although deep down their hearts they may actually have an intense craving for such connections. They may feel uncomfortable with deep, emotional intimacy, fear dependence on others, and have a strong desire for independence and self-reliance.
This attachment style usually develops as a result of emotional rejection and neglect from primary caregivers and family members in childhood. They were often filled with the sense of loneliness. The trauma of deception and abandonment they suffered later in life made them even much more avoidant.
For these individuals, avoidance and withdraw becomes their strategy to protect themselves from experiencing more pain and abandonment.
I may have avoidant attachment… now what?
If you recognize the dismissive/avoidant attachment style in yourself or you realize you are dating someone with avoidant attachment style, what can you do?
The key is to admit and realize that the ‘switch’ on emotional intimacy has to be turned on. This might be challenging and require a lot of effort.
What do I feel? The avoidant adult needs to start paying attention to the emotional and physical sensations that come up around (emotional) intimacy. Self-reflection might help one make sense of and analyze existing patterns.
What do I need? Another essential step is exploring, understanding, and eventually expressing emotional needs.
What should I do? At some point, the avoidant adult might be able to start working on building closer relationships with people. They could follow a step-by-step approach to letting others in and responding to the emotional needs of close ones.
How can avoidant adults change their attachment style?
Therapy: Seek out a therapist who specializes in attachment theory or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Therapy can help you explore the origins of your avoidant attachment style, understand how it affects your relationships, and develop healthier patterns of relating to others.
Mindfulness and self-awareness: Practice mindfulness techniques to become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships. This can help you recognize when you're acting out avoidant patterns and choose healthier responses.
Develop secure relationships: Cultivate relationships with people who have secure attachment styles. Spending time with securely attached individuals can provide you with positive relationship experiences and serve as role models for healthy attachment behaviors.
Challenge negative beliefs: Work on challenging and reframing negative beliefs you may hold about relationships, intimacy, and vulnerability. Replace these beliefs with more positive and realistic ones that support secure attachment.
Communication skills: Focus on improving your communication skills, including expressing your needs and emotions openly and honestly with others. Practice active listening and empathy to better connect with your partner or others important to you.
Set boundaries: Learn to set healthy boundaries in your relationships to protect your own needs and well-being while still allowing for intimacy and connection with others.
Take small steps: Changing attachment styles is a gradual process, so be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way. Set achievable goals and take small steps towards building more secure attachments.
Self-compassion: Be kind and compassionate towards yourself as you work on changing your attachment style. Recognize that it's okay to have vulnerabilities and that growth and change take time.
3 months ago