Letter to a love. We all have had someone in our life that we'e truly loved, some of us still have them in our life, others, like me, have lost them.
To my dearest sweetheart,
Well, it's been three years since the last time I saw you. Three years since I've heard your laugh. Three years since I've given you a hug. Three of the longest and most miserable years of my life.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you, talk to you, even though you're not physically there, I still talk to you and hope you can hear me. Every time I close my eyes, I see your smiling face. There are times I'll be out, and swear I hear your laugh across the room.
I've been camping one, maybe two times since you left. It's just not the same without you to pick on me around the fire. We haven't been out on the four wheeler either, I kinda miss my skinny little passenger. I haven't been out fourwheeling either, that was supposed to be "our day" we had planned, that never happened.
The last three years, I've more or less kind of existed. Sure, I've tried to move on, find a new relationship, but, something always falls apart, or gets in the way. Distance, time, personallity conflict, all have been factors in why nothing works out. Try as I might, I can't get you out of my head, or my heart. I'm reminded of something your mom said, the day we buried you.... "I hope he lives a long and healthy life, and every time he closes his eyes, he sees you, to remind him of the hell that he's caused." Trust me sweetheart, I do.
I'm not sure whom she meant that phrase toward, but, I do know deep down, I'm at least partially, if not wholy, responsible. Never once did I mean to hurt, or neglect you, apparently, I failed miserably. I pay for my failure on a daily, basis, and for hurting you, I'm truly sorry.
I'm sorry that I let you down in so very many ways. Not supporting, and caring enough. There were reasons behind it, some of which you knew, others, I'm just learning myself. One of the biggest reasons was the fact that I truly did love you completely, but, couldn't show it to you in the right ways, our circumstances prevented me showing you my love. I know, it's no excuse, I should have found the way to do it properly, but, I was honestly scared. Scared that my situation would get worse, but, more scared that you would actually reject my love, which would crush what little spirit I had. There was also a social aspect sweetheart, the love I had, wasn't socially acceptable, well, at least toward you people would frown. I wanted nothing more than to pull you close, kiss you softly, and hold you as we walked through the mall or somewhere else. Knowing how society works, that couldn't happen. I would have been seen as something horrible, nevermind the fact that there was a true deep love in my heart
I'm learning more every day, seeing things now, that I missed then. The little things, the smiles at just me, even when you were crying. The way your eyes seemed to light up. The times that you'd want to spend time just the two of us. The random hugs, the occasional "I love you" when we were home alone. I realize now, you never said it in front of anyone else, it was always something between you and I. I missed so many of the little signs you had given me that I wouldn't be rejected. But, sadly, it's too late to change any of that. If I had it to do all over again, I would do so many things differently.
I made my bed, now I must lie in it, forever. I have to atone for the pain I caused. It's my burden, and some days, I truly do struggle with it. The words are just words, i can say "I'm sorry" a billion times a day, and it wouldn't make any difference. No amount of "I'm sorry" can bring you back, or take away the pain that I've caused. The only "I'm sorry" that really matters, is the one deep inside of my heart, that I hope that you can feel, and hear when I talk to you. That feeling of being alone will be there forever my sweet, because I let you down. I'm cursed to live the life that your mom had mentioned, alone, and regretting not showing you how I truly felt.
My life will never be whole again. I will continue to exist, probably for a very long time, but, I'll never feel as truly happy as I did. Three long years, is just the first steps into the life that I will lead. That life started June 17, 2011, the journey will never end. There may be moments of bliss, and happiness scattered in there, but, forever will I remember what I caused. I truly am so very sorry my sweet sweeth Kaitlyn, I pray that one day, you can forgive me. I'm not sure that you can, or will, and, if not, I do understand. If you do, or can, I'm eternally grateful to you. Either way, I'm glad, and proud to have shared in your life for as long as I had, I just wish that I could have done better.
We can't change our past, only hope that our past doesn't destroy our future. When I told you that I loved you, you may have thought differently than I did, I love loved you, where you may have seen it as a different type of love, I'm sorry for never telling, or showing you how I loved you. Who knows, if I had, maybe you'd still be physically here instead of only having to hold on to your memory. I love you, and have loved you for a very long time, I just wish I had been smart enough to show you.
Lovingly,
Chris
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