| 2010-05-20 16:23:18 |
Coming Home_(5)
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Thanks for the comments, glad you enjoyed the story! If you have any suggestions for how I could improve it, feel free to list them. @stargatesg1fan1, I did consider Anal, but I felt that would be put to better use in a sequel, so you might get to read it soon |
| 2011-02-24 20:24:21 |
Harry Potter Love You
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Any passion is lost in the abrupt, overtly hardcore sex that is more porn than it is the union of two loves (which I assume you were attempting to portray.) Furthermore, it would be prudent to introduce the application of a conception spell by Hermione before she first has sex with Harry, and subsequently allows him to ejaculate ridiculous amounts of semen inside her on several occasions afterwards, rather than spitting it out as an afterthought later. Finally, the way you portray your characters in extreme 2-D, along with lines like “how women can be very vindicate” (when I think you actually mean vindictive), leads me to believe that your own personal experiences with women have not only been less than ideal, but sparse as well. Bottom line, both your story and your skills as an author are in need of improvement and it would be in your best interest to work on creating good stories first, before being so arrogant as to revise another’s work in the presumption that you can do better. |
| 2011-02-24 20:24:43 |
Harry Potter Love You
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kj5jx, I’ve read your whole Potter series thus far and I can say with complete honesty that it falls far short of praiseworthy. First of all, considering that this isn't your story, but rather the plagiarization and alteration of another’s work, you could have at least had the decency to list the author’s name and where we could find the original work / other works out of respect. Secondly, if you’re going to claim that “[you] think it’s a much better story,” it would be a good idea to have someone edit and proofread your work, before submitting it, in order to validate your claim because there are numerous grammatical and developmental errors in this story. Unfortunately, you rush through it with a pace that is never consistent and the whole work fails to be anything else but long, drawn-out dialogue in a hop-scotch story between hastily written sex scenes; scenes, might I add, that are as unrealistic as your characters. |